I have been wanting to share some things about my life with you, but I can’t seem to find the words. Sometimes my head just gets so full that I don’t even know what I want to say anymore. The only word that keeps coming to my mind when I am thinking about writing a blog post is surrender.
I have come to the realization that I don’t like to feel my emotions. I always thought of myself as an emotional type that shared everything. But the real stuff, the kind that keeps me up at night, I tend to keep to myself. Even I don’t know what is hidden inside anymore because I have mastered the art of pushing my emotions deep down into a well that seems unreachable. The most likely cause for this is that after I made a habit of not actually feeling what I felt, I started building this wall around my heart, to protect myself from any hurt that might come my way. This process has lasted more than ten years. But it’s one that, no matter how strong I (think) I am, I can’t keep on living. My feelings are starting to come up out of nowhere and my force to push them back down isn’t strong enough anymore. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of this continual battle in my mind.
Then, to make the process even more fun, there’s God, Who has a strange habit of not letting go. I can’t seem to understand His want for me. He keeps on trying to draw closer to me so that I can experience His love. Each time, however, I find myself taking a step back and trying to ignore it. But God keeps giving tiny nudges and each nudge makes my heart a bit softer towards His voice.
I now find myself reaching the point where I can’t ignore it anymore. My heart, even though it is still covered with bricks, is yearning to be free and to breathe again. I love this song I recently listened to from Sean Feucht called Like a Fire. He says at one point, “You appear and walk through all my walls. You come close and my defenses fall”. Through the walls that I have been building these past ten years, Someone is able to walk right through and break them down. This is the one thing I’m yearning for yet at the same time so afraid of.
This brings me to my word, surrender. In order for me to step forward, I need to surrender. In my case not daily, but every single moment of my day. I think I have reached the point where I can do that because I have realized that my strength alone isn’t enough. The world is screaming at us that we have to be strong, that vulnerability is what will break us down and make us weak. But the world is wrong! People are falling apart because they don’t have the strength to keep fighting back. Like Brian Johnson from Bethel Music said, “we were made to feel pain but we aren’t made to walk around with it”. Fighting against emotions and hurt and pain isn’t the way we are supposed to live. We are supposed to drop our burdens, our pain, at His feet. It is in our weakness that we are made strong. When we share what we feel, when we share what hurts us but also the things that have changed us and the things that make us happy, that is when we are made strong.
So jealousy, I surrender you in this moment. I don’t want my heart to grow bitter towards other people but I want to celebrate moments.
Fear, I surrender you in this moment. I don’t want to be robbed of my life by the strong force of fear.
Impatience, I surrender you today. I want to start living my life out of love.
Tiredness, I surrender you today because you are making it impossible to be pregnant and a mom to two babies.
I surrender the need to be seen because in the end, it’s not about me.
What do you need to surrender in this moment?
P.S. This cute journal is from Words of Hallelujah, a journal made from old, vintage books! They are great for journalling, but also make excellent gifts. Go check it out!