God is really working hard inside my heart to form me. A couple weeks ago I had decided that my small business would be worthless if I didn’t do it for Him. I believe my talents are God-given and it’s only with Him that I can succeed. I want this to be a way in which I can glorify Him. But in order to do that, I need to get rid of my ever comparing and jealous heart. Something I have realized in my 27 years of life with God is that once you decide to dedicate something to Him or to change an aspect, the opportunities to change come quickly and the shaping process starts quickly. Suddenly, you constantly find yourself faced with situations where you feel like you are being tested. That is how this week has been for me. One thing I have decided to do to help me change my heart, is to start blessing others. When jealousy creeps up on me, I start blessing whoever I am jealous of at that moment. And I make sure to do this out loud so that my voice is literally louder than what is being yelled inside my mind. And I must say that even though I feel like I am doing this constantly, it helps. Peace fills my heart quicker than when I let the jealousy sink in.
But, it doesn’t take away the feelings immediately. Which is why I am here again. My head feels full and my heart feels heavy. I am doubting myself and feel like I am not enough. But deep down, I know and believe that I am enough. My work may differ and it may not be perfect. But that’s okay. Because perfect people don’t need healing. Perfect people don’t need community. Perfect people don’t need a God to save them. I am ready to embrace my imperfect self. I am ready to be weak so that He can make me strong. Because my imperfect self needs a Savior. My imperfect self needs to rely on Someone who holds it all in His hands and Who knows what is best for me. I don’t want to have to worry about that anymore. I just want to live. To live in His purpose for my life. To let each sign that I make be to for His joy. I want my moments to matter. I want my life to matter. And it is only when I am my imperfect self, when I am weak, that He can make me strong.